I miss waking up at 6 grumbling that I could not get enough sleep.
I miss the times where I would get upset by something as trivial as lousy test/exam results.
I miss having relationship 'problems'
I miss being able to appreciate days which i can sleep-in.
I miss worrying whether the weather would cancel my flights
I miss worrying about major projects that are due 12 hours away and I only started on it.
I miss laughing without worries.
I miss falling asleep in lectures and missing out important points.
I miss feeling very annoyed at my handphone when the joystick doesn't seem to work.
I miss the feeling of being anxious about exams cuz I didn't study enough.
I miss falling asleep at my table doing work.
I miss worrying about where i'd end up after university.
I miss being able to wake up refreshed, and enjoy the cool morning air
I miss having the ability to be happy for the little things in life
I miss feeling normal.

Something's really wrong with me. Physically. I can feel it. Went to two doctors already, a GP and a specialist, and they both concluded there was nothing wrong with me. The lymph nodes that I thought were enlarged turned out to be normal sized, according to the docs. But somehow, I feel really sick. Been feeling like that for over a month. Haven't been able to sleep for more than 4 hours straight, and i feel fatigued and half dead but not sleepy all day and all night. The nights are especially agonizing, being unable to sleep or do anything else except lie there and let thoughts run wild. Perhaps I should have gone for scans, x-rays or even biopsies to put my mind at ease. But the doc didn't think those were needed. Sigh.

Exams and all these internal assessment things are all around the corner...and shit. I'm not really worried about them. I can't seem to worry about anything else besides endlessly worrying about what's happening to my body. I think i'm screwed. Everyone says its stress or anxiety, but I really fear its something worse. Maybe i'm hypochondriac. Hopefully so. I never find anything satisfying or fun anymore. Perhaps only flying. The adrenaline produced then probably overrides everything, but as soon as I leave the cockpit, everything sinks in again. If this feeling of sickness or real sickness goes on, I might have to withdraw or get phased out from my flying course. Any more of this and i'll go into clinical depression.

I pray that I will remain sane until at least my 17th birthday.

"Because I fly, I envy no man on earth"
hmf. I fly, but I envy everyone now. for being able to go on with daily life without any strange things to worry about, besides mundane, temporal problems.

Lord, I beseech You. Help me.